Is It Okay for a Loving Leader to Cry?

Do you welcome the urge to cry at work? I do. Here's why.

We are in a meeting to explore a complex issue. Each team member has the chance to share their ideas, concerns, and perspectives. The topic is important to us all. We take our time. I try to listen to understand, sensing, noticing, tuning in to each one. And as I wait for my turn, I jot down a thought to capture it, noting what is rising in me but trying to stay focused on what others are saying too. This is hard sometimes when you are working out your thoughts and what you want to contribute. 

When it’s my turn to speak, I begin without being able to exactly name what is most important to me about this issue. It feels like I’m circling to find the right words and what’s true for me. But as I name this, and describe that, suddenly I feel a catch in my throat, my eyes well up a little, and I know that the next thing I was ready to say is ‘The Thing’ that is true and important for me.

That urge to cry is a clear sign for me. It is like a bright yellow highlighter on a black and white page. I’ve learned to pay attention to this. To name it and appreciate the clarity that it offers. And I've learned I can choose how to manage this too.

That urge is my parasympathetic nervous system operating much faster than my mind. It hops into action at lightning speed, ready to be of service.

I used to be annoyed by this. The tears would flow out of control. I’d apologize and struggle to communicate.

Now I embrace the urge to cry as crucial data to help me and those I work with.

Now when this happens, I say out loud, “Oh, there it is. My emotion is rising, and I know what I’m about to say is what’s really important to me about this…”

Sometimes, I’ll let the tears flow and speak through them.

Other times, I choose to manage the tears in a healthy way and stem them.

Either way, my team knows all of our emotions are welcome. We’ve normalized our human response, not as something to be tolerated, but rather as a powerful source of data and insight along with being authentic and human.

Today, the absence of emotion or the inability to feel is of concern to me.

Disconnection from feelings may be a learned behavior, reinforced since we were tiny children. Many of us were told to “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” or to “be a man” or to “pull yourself together”? We learned that our emotions, especially our tears, were a problem and a sign of weakness.  So we learned to stuff our emotions and pretend they don’t exist. But this is not only unhealthy and tends to make the emotions grow, but it also leaves us impaired. We are unable to access a vast source of knowledge and wisdom. The good news is we can learn to connect to our emotions again reactivating this part of our humanity to be whole and more effective. 

Disconnection from feelings can also mean that we are experiencing or recalling a traumatic experience triggering our dorsal vagal system and sending us into a disassociated state, frozen and numb. Recognizing this protective response, the path to re-accessing our full emotional bandwidth is through healing from the trauma. 

For today, Loving Leader, I wonder, how do you react to emotions? Do you understand them for what they are? Do you welcome and normalize them? Do you encourage team members to reclaim this part of themselves from suppression or from trauma? 

All this can begin with your own crucial journey to understand, welcome and value your own. And then to be transparent when you are moved setting a loving example for being human.